Lately, I’ve been listening to single moms talk about their exes and how these absentee fathers affect their kids. I’m glad to be past the hurt and pain of having an absentee “baby daddy”, but many women have to deal with the pain of answering their child’s questions every day and for some, it is so fresh that they are also dealing with a broken heart. I know! Been there. You will heal sis. YOU will heal.
My boys have had time to deal with not having a dad that chose to be a part of their lives. Trust me, honey! It’s his loss! But it wasn’t easy for them by no means. It took many sad faces and down moments, but they finally got used to fact that he wasn’t coming back. It hurt me so bad to think about how their little hearts hurt. I tell you to see a boy not have a daddy to carry him on his back and play with him, take him to his games, or show him how to be a man was painful. But know, God provides what you and your babies need. Just hold on.
Since they are teens now, I know it crosses their minds. But, they got over him so good that when he came to see them two years ago, they didn’t know it was him and they didn’t have any high expectations of bonding after he left. You know why? He trained them to believe that his promises were empty. Sure enough, they made plans, but nothing transpired. Guys, do better.
But, back to how this will help you.
“Where is daddy?” is one of those questions that burn in your heart. It makes you feel like you did something wrong when you aren’t the one who left. And even worse, if he never was a part of the family then it’s Who is my daddy?”
I know it hurts. But, one day you and your kids will heal. You’ve got to explain to them that they are loved by you and do many others regardless of one man’s actions.
I hear you say, “Kaydy, what do you do when they notice he doesn’t come around anymore or worse he was never there?”
Information on absentee fathers and how having a father figure makes a difference
Read on for my tips:
1. Tell the truth on your kids level
Yes, they need to know the truth now. Not later. Do they need to hear expletives and the sordid details of how the breakup went down? Nah! But, they do not need to grow up expecting him or her at any moment either. Speak up.
I went through this. My kid’s dad promised to get them every summer for three years. Like a fool, I’d tell them and he wouldn’t show up. Finally, I caught on. Yes, it hurt to see them be let down; and it hurt to know I picked a fool. But you gotta release that guilt. Focus on the family you have.
Hear me good, you cannot control another person. You can only control you. So, choose to raise your children well.
2. Work on letting go of the angst
I remember being ticked at him and myself. But, after a while, I had to let it go for my sanity, my happiness, and for my babies.
The media loves to show us the upset “baby mama” and how she is bitter about the absentee father. I’m here to show the happy one. The one who’s glad he left.
Listen, sisters, what would you have gained had he stayed and co-parented? The years have shown me what we would have gotten. I’m okay parenting alone if it means without peace, respect for each other’s values and ideas on discipline, a consistently shared parenting ideology, and most of all a true love for my boys.
In light of this, your kids win. They got the mom who lives them to their core and is providing for them. I know it gets hard doing this thing alone, but remember you’re building a bond with your kids to last a lifetime.
Keep giving it all you’ve got and if your Boaz comes, he’ll know your babies come first. If he doesn’t, you can do this thing! But being angry over these absentee fathers who didn’t have the guts to care for kids they created, chile please! Pass! Move on to better!
3. Provide the best life you can Every Day!
The best way to get over absentee fathers and help your kids cope with it is to rock the life you got every day! Give those babies you! One parent’s lack of presence won’t dim the love you have.
If you have boys, get good male mentors in their lives, but love on them every day! For girls, do the same. Our kids may have one parent, but a multitude of people can love on them and help them succeed.
Just remember they will one day rise up and call you blessed. It may take a while, but keep giving it all you’ve got.
Know this: Absentee fathers know they’re missing out. Unfortunately, they are too selfish, too scared, to stuck to try and build a relationship with their kids. That’s okay!
I know there are good men we can put around our boys. Constantly look for great mentors, friends, and family to come alongside you as your parent. Your babies will thrive.
Look at the excerpt below as to why we need fathers in our kids’ lives. Do all you can to give them good males to look up to!
Research shows that tweens and teens need the firm leadership a father provides. A child performs better in school if his father takes an interest in his education. Children have more confidence when their fathers spend time with them and show them affection. Kids learn from watching their fathers’ decisions and listening to logical explanations.- Focus on The Family
So, the lesson today is you are doing great. Keep working toward your best life. Look for opportunities to extend the circle you have around your kids, and let go of what does not serve you. Release him! You have the greatness to raise.
I know it’s not easy, but with God, family, and friends you will.
Do It Anyway!
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