In this edition of #singlemomsunday I discuss a very serious topic all single moms face especially as we begin to date again and consider marriage. The topic: Do I want to have another baby? Listen, the face of my 14-year-old says it all. That half-smile was his first look at real parenting for himself. And, I simultaneously had the same look on mine when I laid eyes on my fake grandbaby. Read on for laughs, encouragement, and tips.
How It All Got Started
So, my youngest signed up to be a daddy for 2 days with his school’s Home Economics program. Yes, I know it is now FCS, but I like Home Ec. The point is in this class (like we did as kids) he gets to cook, sew, and do (not what I did as a kid) parent a baby. Yeah, you heard right. Parent a baby! What?
So, apparently, when I wasn’t fully processing his question, my son asked me a few weeks ago if he could participate in this experiment. I said yes, and he even has proof that I signed the papers. Any mamas ever just signed some things? Right! Lol! Totally forgot. Chile, he facetime me after school this week to tell me this:
“Mama, guess what?” All smiles and full of excitement.
I say, “What?”
Him, “I got my baby today!” (I think for a sec. Ok, girls get periods. What do boys get? Boys don’t get anything! What did he say)
Me, “WHAT?”
Him, “I got my baby.” Then I remember and say, “Oh, what color is he?” (I know these babies come in all shapes and sizes) He pauses for a really long time.
I say, “Show me your baby.” He does and the laughter that erupts is soul-cleansing and dang near orgasmic. His baby is Asian… well Asian-like. Oh! My oldest and I could barely breathe. He says, “I got to the table last and so this is all that was left.” (My aunts and cousins are Asian. Do not come to me. To know my youngest is to know quirky confidence in motion. He is a sweet child and he glides through life to the beat of his own drum. The way he said this is what caused the laughter. We know him and that just means he was being social and that’s how he got the baby that doesn’t look at all like him)
So, I say with a straight face, “What’s his name?” Him, “Well, I hadn’t prepared for this. I had names picked out, but now I’m not sure.” I howled. It was loud, I couldn’t breathe, and it too was soul-cleansing. My Kam Kam cracks me up. Do you have a child that just amazes you at how they see life? Mine does. When he was little, I used to watch him and smile. He is sure of himself, content, different, and okay with that. It’s beautiful to watch.
After I picked him up, the hilarity continued and so did the real reason I write today. We had a time with Erin (that’s the name he finally decided upon). Erin had us all jumping up and down checking on him at dinner, scrambling for his bottle, checking to see if he was wet, choking, needed to burp, was hungry or just needed holding. Oh, and if he had “head failure.” WTH! Yes, that’s what my son called it when you don’t support his head right.
This was a great school assignment. I commend them for having this in school so that kids will hopefully be scared away from starting grownup things too soon and also as a way to give them experience for when that does happen. However, I have a bone to pick about Erin going off at 2 freaking A.M. Listen, Linda, this was not the plan. Lol! I’m bumping into doors trying to wake him up so he doesn’t lose points because if the baby cries for longer than 2 minutes, you lose points. Side-eye. Again, 2 a.m. Alas. Le sigh.
I finally got him up. He wears a wristband that connects to the baby by chip so he has to hold his hand over the doll. Listen, trying to get a teen to take care of his fake baby at 2 am was … well- annoying. The poor thing said he was up ’til 4. I wouldn’t know cause I went back to sleep. Erin is not my baby. Lol! But, Kam was up at 6 and had his bags packed so we could leave on time. After 2 days of Erin, I was glad to see him go. Really. But, I had also noticed I laughed less and began to think “My kid is going to make a great dad one day.” That made me smile.
Erin made me do more than laugh and lose sleep. (He woke up at 2 am. What kind of teacher does that? On one hand, I was like cruelty. On the other, I was like great birth control right here!
Listen, this little stint with our adorable, fake, somewhat Asian baby named Erin has shown me that I have outgrown the “up all night” type of life. But, I looooooveeeeee babies. I’m like the baby whisperer. And I have secretly imagined that Boaz (my oh so handsome another half that hasn’t appeared yet) and I would have baby #3. That is until I had to keep Erin. Erin was fun… At first. Then, as babies do, he cried, a lot, and at crazy hours.
The shenanigans with Erin made me think ‘Am I ready for this again?’ And honestly, I don’t know. I know I was wishing he was real for a few moments so I could quiet him and he could go to sleep.
Still, I am very proud of my boy. Have a look and laugh/celebrate with me knowing he will make a proud papa one day. But right now his shock at how much real babies cry, need us, and poop is so cute. I am beyond amazed at 14 he still makes me smile in amazement.
So, Do I Want to Have Another Baby?
We, single mamas, know this especially well. Baby cries. We get up. The baby is hungry. We get up. Baby needs touch, sound, comfort. We get up. We don’t get to say Hubby gets up and I know plenty of married moms are like “We don’t get tot say that either.” I hear ya, sis. But, this still isn’t an easy answer for me.
Little Erin hurt my feelings. He crushed my dream of having the little girl I’ve always wanted in one day. After cackling to high heaven for most of the first evening at my son being so cute and doting over the fake baby, I had no idea what the night had in store. Listen, when I say dote, he doted. He got up from dinner 3 times to take the fake baby to the real bathroom. Just thinking about this I am no good. I’m gonna be honest. I will use these memories FOREVER and EVER. But really, he did such a good job and (all side-splitting laughter aside), he will make a great dad one day. I pray 20 whole/entire/complete years from now. Amen.
Sis, I’m so not sure if I want to physically have another child of my own. It isn’t my age. I’m not worried about my health or sanity. I’m just like would I want to do this all over again EVERY DAY? The truth is most remarriages are from people who were married before and/or had kids. So, maybe my Boaz will have kids, and I’ll help to finish raising them. Lol! That up all night is birth control in and of itself isn’t it?
Ladies, we must accept that our dating pool will include men who have had previous relationships and marriages. In dating again, you’ve got to know what your deal breakers are. Now, you have kids, so you can’t be like he can’t have kids. Let’s be honest. Most men want kids. They may not want to do all the things most assume women do, but they do want kids. You have to seriously be honest with yourself (if you’re still in kid having age range) and him at the onset.
Check out this research from the PEW Research Center that I found on SmartStepFamilies.com
Honestly, if I were to meet someone who does not have kids, I’d definitely want to give him that gift of having a blood heir AND loving mine as his own is non-negotiable. But, listen Linda, he gotta love rubbing feet, grabbing late-night cravings from the local grocery, and cleaning crying babies at 2 AM. I wish you could see my serious face cause I’m so serious. I just heard the whole chorus of single moms go “Aaaameeeen.” Right mamas!
For those who can’t understand my indecisiveness, yes, I teach moms to rock it out as single moms, yes I loooovvvveee babies, but that doesn’t mean this girl is sure she wants to start all over. And if that’s you, it’s okay. Keep living, loving, dating, and being honest with yourself. Babies change your whole entire life around. They are beautiful little gifts. But, that doesn’t mean you have to have another. You can babysit like me and help friends out while you raise yours into adulthood and chase your purpose. I’m so enjoying the purpose of chasing part.
So, for me right now, I have no answer. There is no rush. So, I say I will just keep living. Time will tell. I am serving the babies I have with all I got. That is enough until life presents differently.
What about you? Will you have another baby if your true love comes along? I want to know your thoughts. Did you enjoy this post? Share it with friends, comment, and let me know what you think.
Wishing you the best on your journey! Single parenting and the questions of life aren’t easy. But honey,
